Geek alert: if you don’t know what MMORPG means (and you don’t want to know), then you might want to read a happy article about how being a nurse made me a better mom.
If you’re still here and wondering how the game of life would run if parenting were an MMORPG… let’s get nerdy!
MMORPG: Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game
Yeah, I know it’s a mouthful.
There’s a lot of MMO’s out there… World of Warcraft, Star Wars Online, Lord of the Rings Online, Guild Wars…
I have to admit – I’ve tried quite a few of them. I’ve even loved watching The Guild,* Felicia Day’s homage to being an MMO gamer. The song, Lions!,* by Lights, is a pretty awesome song that’s a throwback to her days WOW’ing it up.
It’s been a few years since I’ve really been able to get into a game, though, because, well, I’ve gotten sucked into the MMORPG called “Being a Parent.” Okay, it’s not an actual game. But sometimes, we joke about being parents in terms of an MMO game.
So what if parenting were an MMORPG…
Well, to start, there’s none of that 6-man grouping or raiding going on. Nope – your team or fellowship or guild is limited to 2. Although, on occasion, you can call for backup in the form of parents, babysitters, or amazing friends.
Here’s a typical
playthrough day in the Parenting MMO:
6:30 am: The horde wakes up and swarms your fellowship. You go full-out spellcaster mode and blast all sorts of spells like breakfast, Veggie Tales Music, and PBS Kids in an attempt to contain them. It works… barely.
7:30 am: By now, your Parenting partner has left for work. Before he left, he tried leaving some Paladin-style buffs on you, but you both know it won’t last past the hour.
9:30 am: It’s time to put down the youngest little monster for his nap. You try some CC (crowd control) tactics on the older kids so that they’ll stay quiet long enough for the bard music to work in lulling the baby to sleep. Some days, it even works. Today isn’t one of those days.
11:30 am: You’ve spent the last few hours kiting the
Boss kids – literally running them around so that they wear themselves out while you try desperately not to be KO’d by them or their DOTs (damage over time). Because we both know if they catch you, they will jump on you until you cry.
12:30 pm: It’s lunchtime. It’s time to try and juggle a few roles: crowd control as you herd the
cats kids into the kitchen; healer as you try to refuel the very demons who you were just trying to take out not 30 minutes ago; and tank as you try not to get pushed into serving cookies for lunch again.
1:30 pm: It’s rest time, or so you tell the kids. You go into spellcaster mode again, this time using spells like books, Big Hero 6, and begging to get the kids to rest for just 25 minutes so that you can toss a few self-heals before the baby wakes up from his afternoon nap.
3:30 pm: By now, you’ve transitioned fully to a paladin style play – you’re just flat-out praying that backup arrives home before you go native.
5:30 pm: If you’re lucky, backup has arrived and is handling the crowd control so you can cook dinner. Self-heals and chicken parmigiana for everyone!
6:30 pm: One
boss kid announces he has to poop. You’re still cleaning up the carnage from what was supposed to be a healthy, homemade meal, so your partner valiantly offers to handle the bathroom duties. Clean up is quickly interrupted by a call: “I need Crowd Control, quick!” It turns out the other two ads kids wanted to go “fishing” – and nobody wants that.
7:00 pm: Crowd control methods were successful. There was no toilet fishing, thank goodness! And now you’re alternating roles as healer, crowd control, and tank as the two of you wrestle
a boss and 2 ads all 3 kids into their pajamas. Throw in a spell of bribery and you even manage to get them to brush their teeth in a timely fashion.
8:00 pm: The boys were supposed to be asleep 30 minutes ago, so now you’re relegated from hero to antihero as you sling the awful spells of bedtime threats to get them to be quiet. It doesn’t work, so you have to brave the
beast kids to take their bedtime toy and put it in time out.
9:00 pm: Finally, all is quiet. The house is probably a disaster, and no amount of quick spellwork will fix that. It’s time to focus those heals on self-rejuvenation because it’s going to be an early
playthrough day tomorrow. You buff with some funny Parks & Rec* or Kimmy Schmidt before you turn off the game hit the hay for the night.
The parenting MMO – It’d be a never-ending game.
Grinding those daily quests and trying to level up would be a never-ending thing – just like it already is some days. And, just like when you finally beat a hard boss or finish an epic quest line, some days it’s totally worth it.
I love my kiddos – they’re a lot of fun. But on those inevitable hard days, sometimes it makes things a little bit more fun (for me) if I pretend I’m playing a video game. Maybe one day, they’ll even be in on the joke and help me cc their brothers a little bit, right? Maybe.
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